True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
