We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I need moral support for this bender
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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