Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
