He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
