I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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