mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
