you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
