Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
