I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
