I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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