There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
