I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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