Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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