C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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