Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
