Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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