dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
