Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
