i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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