epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Hippo gnu deer
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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