the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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