Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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