Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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