Please, let me fuck your mom
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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