***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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