ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
