I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
