I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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