This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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