He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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