i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
