i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
