If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
