I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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