Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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