mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
