Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
