New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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