He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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