Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
