Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
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