I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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