I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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