Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
