Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
