Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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