cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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