Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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