This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
