Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
