how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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